Sometimes I miss my old life

When you decide to move to a different country you're leaving your old life behind.

Even if you come back to visit every once in a while, nothing will be the same.

I left Germany almost two years again and I did start a completely new life. I didn't know anyone in the States. I didn't have friend, or a car, or anything. I didn't even know how to do my own laundry..

I mean, I had been to the States before, but only for 2 months, as an exchange student staying with host families. Being on your own is completely different. I did speak English quite well, so that was one advantage I had. But that was about it.

One thing you don'T think about before moving to a different country is that you will be a foreigner. As weird as this may sound, it's something you have to get used to. And it's not easy. Foreigners, those were the Turkish or Russian people who didn't speak German, lived in their own little ghettos in big cities, and were just weird. And now I was a foreigner? 

Well, ok. 

It's also funny how much things have changed back home since I left.

There are new celebrities and tv shows and my old friends have new friends now. I talk to my mom once a week, but Germany just seems so far away.

I have my normal daily life here now, with school and friends and homework and all that, and sometimes I forget that I live in America now. Germany seems like a childhood memory now. Sometimes I forget that both my grandparents have died since I left. In my mind they are still alive and I often catch myself thinking of something I want to tell them. Then I realize that I can't. In my imagination time in Germany is standing still, and when I realize it's not I get an awkward feeling. Homesickness? Maybe.

People always ask me if I get homesick. Yeah, I do. I miss my old life sometimes. I don'T think about it very often, but when I do, I miss it.

I miss my grandparents, and my mom, and my mini I used to drive. I miss skipping school with Sara and going shopping instead, I miss eating ice cream in my hometown sitting by the river, I miss driving to base, I miss Summer vacations in Greece, and my purple walls. 

But most of all, I miss not being a foreigner.

Amazing diet foods

Amazing diet foods that work for me

Oatmeal (those little 130 calorie packs)

Melon

Hunt's pudding for breakfast

Blackberries

A bagel for dinner (too many calories for a snack)

Kellogg's shakes (also for a meal, not as a snack)

Lean pockets (only one!)

How do you know if the person you're with is the right one to spend forever with?

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now. Well, with a 6 month break, because I was still kind of in love with my ex. They are both in the Air Force and used to live in the same building. So every time I went to see my boyfriend, I also went to see my ex. You can imagine what was going on then. I felt horrible cheating on my boyfriend because he loved me with all his heart (still does) but I couldn't resist the temptation. Or, I didn't want to. 

When my ex got stationed somewhere else and started dating someone else I should have stopped talking to him. But instead I told him I wanted to stay friends. That way I had no chance to get him out of my head. I guess I didn't want to get him out of my head.

So by that time my ex was in California, I had moved to Ohio to go to college and basically start a new life, and my boyfriend was still in Germany. After a few months of talking to both guys online I broke up with my boyfriend, because my feelings for my ex were just too strong still.

I went to see my ex during spring Break, and man, that was bad. He used me for sex, I cried... all that good stuff.

After I got back I decided I had no chance getting back together with him (I kept telling myself that might happen one day- bad idea), I decided to move to California. So once again I started a new life, left all my new Ohio friends behind, and packed my bags.

Well, the week before I was supposed to get to California my ex started dating an 32 year old PREGNANT stripper chick. I don't have to explain how that made me feel. 

And then the weird thing happened. I don't know why, but I called the guy I had broken up with and cried and asked him to come see me. And he did. We talked for hours, he tried to comfort me, and when I said goodbye to him, the night before my flight to California, I felt really sad because I thought I'd never see him again.

So the next day I got on the plane to Cali and after a super long flight my ex picked me up from the airport to take me to my new school. He had told me he would pick me up before he started dating the pregnant stripper. 

He dropped me off and that was the last time I saw him.

So I concentrated on getting settled in, making new friends and all the things you do when you move to a new place.

After a few bad dates and one night stands I started talking to the guy whose heart I had broken again. I don't know why, but I really missed him. Or did I just miss the feeling of being loved? I don't know. He still loved me and I decided to visit him during my Christmas break (he was still stationed in Germany at that time). We spend a few very nice days together and yes, we decided we wanted to be together again, despite the fact that he was going to move to South Dakota and it would be a long distance relationship again. 

So there I am now. I don't know if I love him or if I just want to be with him. Does that make any sense? I still miss my ex and when I found out that he's going to marry that stripper chick I cried pretty hard. It still hurts. Though, I don't know if I still love him, or if I miss him as a friend, or if I'm just sad because he used me and basically treated me like crap.

My (now again) boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage. And sometimes that sounds like a wonderful idea. But sometimes it also sounds very scary because I'm so young (22) and because I DON'T KNOW IF I REALLY LOVE HIM. I mean, I wouldn't want to live without him, but I don't get the butterflies when we're together, like I used to with other boyfriends. I guess there's just not that much passion. And oh do I know what passion is supposed to feel like.

So yeah, I don't know what to do. The thought that I might not ever get to feel that again scares the hell out of me.

I guess I'll stay with him until I can make up my mind. Does this make me a horrible person?

Probably.